I don’t know if this has ever happened to you or is it only me. But in a fraction of a second you have a complete flashback of your life till date and you get lost into the darker side of it. You get depressed and go into complete isolation. This is one such time for me. I hope writing it down will make my heart lighter.
Sitting at my desk in cubicle A-5, 3rd floor, NG2, Persistent Systems Limited, Infotech park, MIDC in an air conditioned office (sounds insane but that has been my dream since childhood, or rather my mom’s) and listening to boulevard of broken dreams, enjoying awesome coffee, with a perfect view in a window right in front of me, waiting for a mail from manager and wondering how my life has taken form and how I wanted it to be and how much I have succeeded to that effect.
(@ Dukker: That is why I was lost :( )
Having been academically at the top throughout my life, studies and career were never my concern. I knew I would get a decent college and job, good enough for a not so career oriented Swati. The Swati who thought family is the only thing that matters in the world and that all my decisions will be based on my mom’s happiness. As a result, bbye to the better NITs and welcome VNIT (I still wonder the credibility of that decision). My hard work and dedication had paid off (I can use these words here as that was the only time I actually used to study) Those were the days of sleeping on books, eating while riding and not talking to guys (and in case of unavoidable emergency only for books) Might sound boring but that boring life brought me to VNIT, the place where I had the best four years of my life. Getting into VNIT, undoubtedly the best college in Nagpur, I was relieved of more than half of my troubles.
When I walked into the campus, I had that geek like mindset (study and be at par with your friends at IIT). This showed results in my first sem SPI. But by the end of the first year I got the feel of engineering college, for that matter VNIT and then came the emergence of a new Swati. The one who liked to have fun, do crazy things, hang out with friends and study only a night before exam :) After joining hostel in 2nd year, these activities were at peak along with the gtalk (call it girls talk rather than gossip talk :)) at night. The infinite college events always kept the all rounder in me on toes. Just four fun-filled years and I got completely lost. The girl who used to be the best in class is sitting in Persistent Nagpur, the girl who used to never talk to guys has her best friends as guys, the girl who used to be her parent’s favourite gets complaints that she doesn’t have time for family and is too immersed in friends, the girl who used to plan every minute from long term prospects thinks of living life for the moment, the girl who used to find happiness from small things in life is lost, completely lost. While I sit and wonder if that is a loss or a gain, some unsaid words, unexpected feedbacks, unimagined loses clog my mind, paralyzing me to the core. For no reason at all, for no circumstances at all, for no person at all, for no loss at all, but the fact remains..
I want to get over this feeling, I want to get my life back..
(To my mom and her ambitions for me :) )
Sitting at my desk in cubicle A-5, 3rd floor, NG2, Persistent Systems Limited, Infotech park, MIDC in an air conditioned office (sounds insane but that has been my dream since childhood, or rather my mom’s) and listening to boulevard of broken dreams, enjoying awesome coffee, with a perfect view in a window right in front of me, waiting for a mail from manager and wondering how my life has taken form and how I wanted it to be and how much I have succeeded to that effect.
(@ Dukker: That is why I was lost :( )
Having been academically at the top throughout my life, studies and career were never my concern. I knew I would get a decent college and job, good enough for a not so career oriented Swati. The Swati who thought family is the only thing that matters in the world and that all my decisions will be based on my mom’s happiness. As a result, bbye to the better NITs and welcome VNIT (I still wonder the credibility of that decision). My hard work and dedication had paid off (I can use these words here as that was the only time I actually used to study) Those were the days of sleeping on books, eating while riding and not talking to guys (and in case of unavoidable emergency only for books) Might sound boring but that boring life brought me to VNIT, the place where I had the best four years of my life. Getting into VNIT, undoubtedly the best college in Nagpur, I was relieved of more than half of my troubles.
When I walked into the campus, I had that geek like mindset (study and be at par with your friends at IIT). This showed results in my first sem SPI. But by the end of the first year I got the feel of engineering college, for that matter VNIT and then came the emergence of a new Swati. The one who liked to have fun, do crazy things, hang out with friends and study only a night before exam :) After joining hostel in 2nd year, these activities were at peak along with the gtalk (call it girls talk rather than gossip talk :)) at night. The infinite college events always kept the all rounder in me on toes. Just four fun-filled years and I got completely lost. The girl who used to be the best in class is sitting in Persistent Nagpur, the girl who used to never talk to guys has her best friends as guys, the girl who used to be her parent’s favourite gets complaints that she doesn’t have time for family and is too immersed in friends, the girl who used to plan every minute from long term prospects thinks of living life for the moment, the girl who used to find happiness from small things in life is lost, completely lost. While I sit and wonder if that is a loss or a gain, some unsaid words, unexpected feedbacks, unimagined loses clog my mind, paralyzing me to the core. For no reason at all, for no circumstances at all, for no person at all, for no loss at all, but the fact remains..
I want to get over this feeling, I want to get my life back..
(To my mom and her ambitions for me :) )
6 comments:
Getting your life back depends on you. On no one else.
ghantie u din loose anything.. you still have ample things to be achieved. being 22 and having yourself transformed into a free individual and being able to live life your way is a gain.. i have seen u in the first sem( n hw u used to think b4 talkin to guys( specially ******)) and have seen the changed swati u eveoled to.. i am glad u r wat u r.!!
n for the career aspect of ur life, chill u can get n do wat u want.. even today right.!!
Cheers n good luck.!
Tell you what - loved this post. When people say I have everything planned rest assure they lie.
The post was honest and insightful to read. The post speaks of a change from something you may or may not have liked (the first Swati) to something you liked (the transformed Swati).Thats what I liked the most.
And about the longing for the past towards the end, lets say the past always looks perfect when you look back.. so someday today will also become past and then as I said perfect!
nothing went wrong , indeed u enjoyed whatever u did at some time or other.
so, regret should find no place in your soul .
P.S. i agree wid SSD.
thanks shreetam, i guess thats the right way to look to it..
Nice post I am happy that the once reserved ghanti is now a maverick amongst her friends!! I was like that myself and that's why I can relate to this post well!! Keep writing!!
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